BILLY BATTS'
MOVIES 101.
THE DEFINITIVE MOVIE RATING SYSTEM
M101
A FEW YEARS AGO, I WENT AWAY. I WAS AWAY A LONG TIME. DURING THIS TIME, I WATCHED MOVIES. A LOT OF MOVIES. YOU CAN WATCH A LOT OF MOVIES IN 6 F%#KIN' YEARS, EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE. WHEN I CAME BACK IN 2014, A LOT HAD CHANGED. BUT NO-ONE HAD GONE UP THERE AND TOLD ME. NOW RUBBISH MOVIES WERE PRAISED, AND THE F%#KIN' JERKS REVIEWING THEM, WERE EVEN WORSE. WELL, NOW YOU CAN TELL THOSE LITTLE PRICKS TO GO HOME AND GET THEIR F%#KIN' SHINEBOX TO MAKE MONEY. BILLY BATTS IS THE ONLY MOVIE REVIEWER YOU NEED TO USE NOW.
MOVIES RATED SINCE LAST UPLOAD:
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DEADPOOL & WOLVERINE - 71
WOLFS - 70
SMILE 2 - 70
THE SUBSTANCE - 69
STRANGE DARLING - 69
THE SHADOW STRAYS - 68
THE FALL GUY - 68
THE INSTIGATORS - 68
THE ORDER - 68
BOY KILLS WORLD - 67
SPEAK NO EVIL - 67
MAXXXINE - 67
FURIOSA: A MAD MAX SAGA - 67
LONGLEGS - 66
BLINK TWICE - 66
GREEDY PEOPLE - 66
CARRY-ON - 66
IT'S WHAT'S INSIDE - 65
RED ONE - 65
BROTHERS - 65
TRAP - 64
REBEL RIDGE - 64
ABSOLUTION - 64
CIVIL WAR - 64
JUROR #2 - 64
WOMAN OF THE HOUR - 63
OFFICER BLACK BELT - 63
DON'T MOVE - 63
GHOSTBUSTERS: FROZEN EMPIRE - 62
THE EXORCISM - 62
THE CROW - 61
JOKER: FOLIE A DEUX - 61
THE WATCHERS - 61
BAD BOYS: RIDE OR DIE - 61
THE 4:30 MOVIE - 61
CHALLENGERS - 61
A QUIET PLACE: DAY ONE - 60
GODZILLA X KONG: THE NEW EMPIRE - 60
BIGGEST HEIST EVER - 59
JUSTICE - 59
CORNER OFFICE - 57
TWISTERS - 57
THE PLATFORM 2 - 56
KILLER HEAT - 53
TAROT - 53
DUCHESS - 47
UGLIES - 45
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WHY USE BILLY'S RATINGS?
HERE'S WHY YOU NEED BILLY BATTS' MOVIES 101
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THE PROBLEM WITH ON-LINE MOVIE REVIEWS ARE THE F%#KIN' NERDS THAT WRITE THEM THINK THEY ROCK THE BOAT BY SAYING S#!T LIKE "WORST MOVIE EVER..." ALL TOO MUCH. THESE SPOSTATAS HAVEN'T SEEN S#!T LIKE 'GIGLI' OR 'THE LAWNMOWER MAN 2', AND THEY THINK THEY KNOW THE "WORST MOVIE EVER"? VA FUNGOOL!
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THEN YOU GET THESE RATINGS 'OUT OF 10' OR '5 STARS'. WHEN THESE F%#KIN' BUMS AREN'T TRYING TO MAKE A SPLASH BY GIVING OUT ZERO RATINGS, ANYTHING DECENT GETS 7/10 OR 3/5. HOW CAN YOU SEPARATE ALL THE MOVIES THAT END UP GETTING THE SAME SCORE? AND WHAT'S WITH THESE JERKS THAT "ONLY RATE OUT OF 5", AND THEN GIVE OUT HALF-POINT RATINGS? IF YOU RATE OUT OF 5 AND GIVE HALF POINTS, YOU'RE ACTUALLY RATING OUT OF 10, YOU SCHMUCK!
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AND THE AMOUNT OF THESE D!#KLESS WONDERS THAT ARE TOO SCARED TO STATE THEIR OWN OPINIONS, JUST IN CASE THAT IS NOT IN-LINE WITH WHAT EVERYONE ELSE THINKS. THEY'RE AS USEFUL AS A FISHNET CONDOM. WHY BOTHER READING THEM, IF THEY ARE JUST THE SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE? IT'S OK TO LIKE SOMETHING OTHERS DON'T, JUST HAVE THE STONES TO SAY IT
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SO HERE IS THE SYSTEM FROM A GUY WITH BALLS. BILLY LIKES WHAT HE LIKES, AND DOESN'T GIVE A S#!T IF OTHERS AGREE
THE SYSTEM
THE SCORING SYSTEM
THIS SYSTEM MAY SEEM A LITTLE COMPLICATED, BUT THAT'S REALLY ONLY FOR BLOUSE-WEARING, POODLE-WALKERS THAT ARE TOO LAZY TO SPEND THE 2 MINUTES IT TAKES TO LEARN THE SYSTEM.
THESE ARE THE SAME PRICKS WHO WOULD PROBABLY USE KETCHUP ON THEIR ANELLINI AL FORNO, CAUSE IT'S 'QUICKER'. SPEND A LITTLE TIME LEARNING IT FIRST.
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MOVIES ARE SCORED OUT OF 101 POINTS. THERE ARE 5 DIFFERENT CATEGORIES WHERE I ALLOCATE UP TO 20 POINTS PER CATEGORY, THIS GIVES THE MOVIE IT'S SCORE OUT OF 100. I THEN HAVE THE OPTION TO GIVE THE MOVIE A DISCRETIONARY BONUS POINT, WHICH GIVES THE FILM IT'S RANKING OUT OF 101. LIKE THAT MOVIE THE BROWN BUNNY. IN IT, THAT CHLOE SEVIGNY DAME REALLY SUCKED THAT GUY'S D!*K, INSTEAD OF FAKING IT. THE MOVIE WAS A PILE OF S%!T, BUT THAT ALONE IS WORTH AT LEAST 1 BONUS POINT. HERE ARE THE 5 RATING CATEGORIES:
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1. PLOT - HOW GOOD WAS THE PLOT? INTERESTING STORY? ORIGINALITY? CLEVER DEVELOPMENTS? ETC
2. ACTING - WAS THE ACTING GOOD? DOESN'T HAVE TO BE OSCAR-WORTHY TO BE A SUCCESS (IE. EDDIE MURPHY IN BHC - GREAT COMIC TIMING, BELIEVABLE IN THE ACTION SCENES, LIKABLE, ETC)
3. LOOK & SOUND - INCLUDES SETS, COSTUMES, LIGHTING, PICTURE CLARITY, CAMERA ANGLES, FX, SOUND, SOUNDTRACK, VOLUME BALANCE, ETC,
4. KPI - DID THE MOVIE HIT THE TONE THEY AIMED FOR? WAS THE COMEDY FUNNY? DID THE ACTION MOVIE HAVE GOOD ACTION SCENES? DID THE THRILLER CREATE TENSION? ETC
5. EDITING & PACING - IS IT EDITED WELL? IS THE MOVIE OVER-LONG OT TOO LONG? IS THE PACING GOOD, OR SHOULD THE MOVIE STRUCTURE BE CHANGED?
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ONCE THE SCORES IN EACH OF THESE CATEGORIES ARE TALLIED UP, AND WITH THE POSSIBLE ADDITION OF A DISCRETIONARY POINT; YOU NOW HAVE THE MOVIE'S RATING SCORE OUT OF 101:
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AS MENTIONED EARLIER, AND AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THE ABOVE SCREENSHOTS, THIS SPREADSHEET IS STRONG
...C'mon! You f%#kin' feel strong?!!...
...he had this wonderful system for doing the garlic. He used a razor, and he used to slice it so thin that it used to liquefy in the pan with just a little oil. It was a very good system...
THE RANKINGS
THE SPREADSHEET HAS THE RATINGS OF ALL MOVIES SEEN THAT HAVE BEEN RELEASED SINCE 2009. THE RELEASE YEAR IS BASED ON THE AUSTRALIAN THEATRICAL RELEASE DATE. IF THERE IS NO AUSTRALIAN THEATRICAL RELEASE DATE, IT GOES TO THE AUSTRALIAN DVD RELEASE DATE. IF THERE IS NO AUSTRALIAN DVD RELEASE DATE, IT GOES TO THE US THEATRICAL RELEASE DATE. IF THERE IS NO US THEATRICAL RELEASE DATE, IT GOES TO THE YEAR THAT I SAW IT.
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EACH YEAR SINCE 2009 HAS IT'S OWN SHEET, CONTAINING THE RANKINGS FOR THAT YEAR ONLY. SINCE 2013, COMMENTS FOR THE MOVIES HAVE ALSO BEEN INCLUDED. A DIFFERENT AMOUNT OF MOVIES IS SEEN EACH YEAR, WITH NO MINIMUM OR MAXIMUM NUMBER OF MOVIES BEING REQUIRED EACH YEAR. THIS MEANS THAT THERE AREN'T MOVIES BEING ASSESSED THAT ARE JUST MAKING UP THE NUMBERS. IF THERE WAS, THIS WOULD INCREASE THE POSSIBILITY OF SEEING INFERIOR PRODUCT.
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EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN'T SEEN IT, I ASSUME THAT FANABOLA WITH THE GIRL FROM 'THE BUS', WHERE SHE IS MEANT TO BE AN UGLY COP, AND THEN SHE ENTERS A BEAUTY PAGEANT; IS AWFUL STUFF. I THINK IT'S CALLED MISS C#%CKSUCKENIALITY OR SOMETHING. BUT STILL, I'M SURE THE EDITING IS OK, AND THE LOOK & SOUND IS PROBABLY MORE THAN ADEQUATE. SO BASED ON THAT ALONE, IT'LL BANK A FAIR FEW POINTS. EVEN THOUGH IT PROBABLY SHOULD GET A SUB-10 SCORE, UNDER THIS SYSTEM; IT'LL GET A LOT MORE.
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THE BEAUTY OF THE 101 RATING SYSTEM IS THAT EVEN IF AN OVERALL SCORE FOR JUNK LIKE THIS GETS HIDDEN BEHIND IT'S SOLID AESTHETICS, YOU CAN STILL SEE IT'S SCORES IN THE OTHER AREAS, AND FOCUS ON WHATEVER ASPECTS ARE MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU
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...he's gonna get made. We're gonna' work for this guy one day. He's gonna' be a boss...
THE SPREADSHEET
YOU NEED TO DOWNLOAD THE SPREADSHEET. IT IS STRONG. REAL STRONG. AS STATED, THERE IS A SHEET DEDICATED TO EACH YEAR'S RANKINGS, BUT IT'S ON THE OVERALL SHEET WHERE THIS SPREADSHEET SHINES LIKE F%#KIN' MIRRORS. MAKE SURE YOU ENABLE MACROS HERE TO MAKE IT WORK. YOU'LL FIND 4 BUTTONS THAT LOOK LIKE THIS:
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HERE YOU CAN NAVIGATE AROUND THE 2 MAIN AREAS OF THE OVERALL SHEET - THE INDIVIDUAL MOVIE SEARCH, THAT GIVES YOU THE COMMENTS, CATEGORY RATINGS, OVERALL SCORE, YEARLY RANKING AND THE MOVIE'S PLACE AMONG THE OTHER MOVIES RANKED IT IT'S RELEASE YEAR, AND IT'S OVERALL RANKING AND THE MOVIE'S PLACE AMONG ALL MOVIES RATED SINCE 2009.
THE OVERALL MOVIE LIST ALLOWS YOU TO SEARCH FOR THE MOVIE IN THE OVERALL RATINGS LIST, JUMP TO IT'S SPOT ON THE LIST, AND THEN JUMP BACK TO THE SEARCH FUNCTION, WITHOUT HAVING TO SCROLL AROUND TO FIND THINGS. AND WHEN THERE IS ALMOST 1000 MOVIES TO LOOK THROUGH, SCROLLING TO FIND THEM SOUNDS AS APPEALING AS GETTING REPEATEDLY STABBED WITH A CARVING KNIFE IN THE BOOT OF A CAR
THE MUST-SEES
SEE THEIR RATINGS HERE >
1990
GOODFELLAS
S: Ray Liotta, Robert DeNiro D: Martin Scorsese
The story of Henry Hill and his life through the teen years into the years of mafia, covering his relationship with his wife Karen Hill and his Mob partners Jimmy Conway and Tommy DeVito in the Italian-American crime syndicate.
1979
THE WARRIORS
S: Michael Beck, James Remar D: Walter Hill
In the near future, a charismatic leader summons the street gangs of New York City in a bid to take it over. When he is killed, The Warriors are falsely blamed and now must fight their way home while every other gang is hunting them down
1993
BLOOD IN, BLOOD OUT
S: Damian Chapa, Benjamin Bratt D: Taylor Hackford
Step-brothers Paco and Cruz, and their bi-racial cousin Miklo are members of an East L.A. gang. Focuses on how a violent crime and the influence of narcotics alter their lives.
1994
PULP FICTION
S: John Travolta, Samuel L Jackson D: Quentin Tarantino
The lives of two mob hit men, a boxer, a gangster's wife, and a pair of diner bandits intertwine in four tales of violence and redemption.
1995
DESPERADO
S: Antonio Banderas, Salma Hayek D: Robert Rodriguez
A gunslinger is embroiled in a war with a local drug runner.
1995
HEAT
S: Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro D: Michael Mann
A professional criminal crew hunt to score big money targets and are, in turn, hunted by a team of cops in the Robbery/Homicide police division
1995
THE USUAL SUSPECTS
S: Gabriel Byrne, Kevin Spacey D: Bryan Singer
A sole survivor tells of the twisty events leading up to a horrific gun battle on a boat, which began when five criminals met at a seemingly random police lineup
1996
SWINGERS
S: Vince Vaughn, Jon Favreau D: Doug Liman
Wannabe actors become regulars in the stylish neo-lounge scene; Trent teaches friend Mike the unwritten rules of the scene
1997
BOOGIE NIGHTS
S: Mark Wahlberg, Julianne Moore D: P T Anderson
The story of a young man's adventures in the Californian porn industry of the late 70s and early 80s. Using the screen name Dirk Diggler, he rises to the top of the industry, until drugs and ego come between him and others
1998
THE BIG LEBOWSKI
S: Jeff Bridges, John Goodman D: Joel Coen
When "The Dude" is mistaken for a millionaire, thugs urinate on his rug to coerce him into paying a debt he knows nothing about. While attempting to gain recompense, he accepts a one-time job with high pay-off
1999
THE MATRIX
S: Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss D: The Wachowskis
A computer hacker learns from mysterious rebels about the true nature reality and his role in the war against its controllers
2000
MEMENTO
S: Guy Pearce, Carrie-Anne Moss D: Christopher Nolan
A man juggles searching for his wife's murderer and keeping his short-term memory loss from being an obstacle
2002
CITY OF GOD
S: Alexandre Rodrigues, Leandro Firmino
D: Fernando Meirelles, Katia Lund
Two boys growing up in a violent neighborhood of Rio de Janeiro take different paths: one becomes a photographer, the other a drug dealer
2005
SIN CITY
S: Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis D: Robert Rodriguez
Four tales of crime from Frank Miller's comics. A brute looking for those responsible for the death of his beloved, a man fed up with corrupt law enforcement takes the law into his own hands, a cop risking his life to protect a girl from a deformed pedophile, and a hitman looking to make some cash
2003
OLD SCHOOL
S: Luke Wilson, Vince Vaughn D: Todd Phillips
Mitch, Frank and Beanie are disillusioned with their personal lives. Beanie suggests that they form their own fraternity in Mitch's new house on a college campus, to re-live their glory days by bringing together a variety of misfit college students
CONTACT
Want to get in contact with Billy? Want to send some praise privately, and not on the message board above? You probably want to go into business with a made guy like this? Send me a message, and I'll get back to you personally
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RIP Frank Vincent 1937 - 2017